This week, the babies are winning. Up until this point (we’re 19 weeks in), if you’d asked me how we’re all doing, now that we’re a family of four, I would have smiled and said, “We’re doing really well,” with a semi-surprised look on my face.
We are doing really well, we really are, but it’s hard. And I knew that having a kid would be hard, and I knew that having multiples would be even more difficult. But it’s the unanticipated little things that are hard, not things I would have expected, like nasty diapers (I can deal with those), or piles of laundry (you know how I feel about laundry, but it’s not that bad), but it’s not those things. It’s the things I thought would come naturally to me as a mother.
Feeding is hard, and I’m not even exclusively breastfeeding. Our kiddos get mostly bottles and eat every 3-4 hours, except at night when they can go as long as 6 hours. I’ve spent what feels like the better part of two days trying to feed our kids with big wet tears rolling down my cheeks. Why won’t they just EAT!? Aren’t they freaking hungry? I know I would be. I can usually get through about a half a bottle (between 3 and 4 ounces) with each baby without a problem and in about 10 or 15 minutes and lately, the little man has basically been falling asleep after that and it takes him another 40 or so minutes to finish the rest of the bottle. You can imagine my frustration. And the little lady…well, she’s got her own agenda. After that initial eat-like-no-one’s-ever-fed-me phase, she just refuses. She’ll spit the nipple out, she’ll scream, she’ll cough, unless you walk with her, then she’ll gladly take the rest of it, at a snail’s pace and she’ll finish up right as you’re sure your arm is absolutely going to fall off from holding her for so long. I know she has reflux and sometimes she looks like she’s in terrible pain (which is absolutely heart breaking), but it would be great if she would just take a bottle from me! It’s even more frustrating when I’ve spent over an hour trying to feed either kid and then there’s the inevitable giant vom (that’s short for vomit, we say it so much in our house that we decided it was easier just to use half the word). I thought feeding would be easy.
I wrote the above paragraph in a moment of hopelessness, and things are getting better. We are trying new bottles: change is hard. And I haven’t cried in almost 24 hours. Miraculously, I felt much better after a 2 hour nap yesterday. Thank you Daddy Magic and cousin for letting me take that nap!
Breastfeeding is another story entirely, a story for another day, another blog post.
Sleeping is hard. They say, “Sleep when they sleep.” Yeah, sure, ok. Then when am I suppose to go to the bathroom, eat, do laundry, do dishes, or PUMP! Yes, after every feeding I hook myself up to the breast pump and turn into an absolute dairy cow. I spent a total of 94 hours pumping in the month of March alone. Want to know how much I pumped? Come on, I know you do…13.5 GALLONS. Our babies are not eating even close to that amount, but my goal is for them to have breastmilk until they’re about 14 months old, so I can’t stop now! Hopefully, if they’d stop defying me (see paragraph above), they’ll up their volumes and catch up to me a bit, because right now it feels a little silly to be pumping so much. And not sleeping so much.
I had to share a photo of my pump, doesn’t it look like it’s right out of 1970 or something. And, that’s Stella with the sweet photobomb!
Getting out of the house is hard. It’s my goal to leave the house once a day, with or without the kids. I had NO idea how hard it would be to get out of the house (with our without them). I hate to be late, but since February 25th, we leave the house about 45 minutes after we planned. Some days, I just can’t leave at all. Between the pumping and the feeding every 3 hours, there’s just no time. Physically getting out of the house is hard too! Managing two carseats, dogs, giant diaper bag, and the obstacle course that is our house (so much baby equipment everywhere) is a real challenge!
Accepting the occasional failure is hard. I do not like to fail. My whole life I’ve spent doing things that I seem to be relatively good at (toot! toot!…that’s me, tooting my own horn). I feel like I fail my children all the time, and I wake up each morning, ready to embrace the new day and it’s challenges, but sometimes I fail again. Raising children has made me see the value in the small victories, like, really small, like…10mL of breastmilk small. I have to accept and move on, and I have to tell myself that 10 times a day. Accept and move on. The babies are fine.
So if you ask me this week how I’m doing, I’m inclined to be a bit more honest (not that I was lying, it’s just easier to say I’m OK). There might even be some tears. But really, we are doing OK. This is our first time, and our last time, and we’re getting it done in one fell swoop, of course it’s hard, but that, and every moment they melt our hearts, makes it all worth it.
They are worth every. Single. Second. Love these babies!
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
– Mary Anne Radmacher
Alden, I hear you. I felt the same way. People would say to me, “Oh, enjoy this time! It goes by so fast!”, and I’d think, “Are you CRAZY!!”. It seemed like every day had 48 hours in it and I couldn’t figure out how to get anything under control. Yep. I was 40, had successful career, accomplished professional and couldn’t figure out how to get myself out of clothes covered in baby spit-up. And I only had ONE! Your posts are wonderful and I love reading them. Hang in there! Hugs to all. Carla
It is hard. I remember how wonderful it was to take s shower all by myself – just a few minutes respite. Talk to Leah about the bottles and breast milk issues. Took a while for things to settle. She’s a pro on that score.
I will totally call Leah. In my sleep deprived state I forgot to even think of her!!
Wish I had some wonderful, sage advice, Alden, but I don’t, even after surviving my five. Six hours between feedings at night sounds really good to me. Don’t dare tell anyone, but I have been known to prop a bottle up a time or two (for a few minutes) and I don’t think anyone was scarred for life. Those two will never know how hard you worked to see to their needs, but they WILL know they were loved . Wish I were there to lend a hand,,,,meantime, hang in there! Love and blessings, Betty
It gets better, I promise. I had one in NICU that came home on bottle and finally transitioned to nursing (still hard but way less frustrating)! We had the whole fall asleep while feeding issue and reflux, too. Let me know if you want to chat or email!
Thanks Amanda! It’s nice to know there are people out there who have gone through all of this before me!
Love the honesty of this Alden! I feel the same way with hating to fail, but you are doing great! Not sure how you are doing it with two! One is hard enough! You are a great mommy. The twins are lucky to have you!
It’s as if you read my mind. My boys are 10 weeks old now. I can’t believe how simular our situations are. Just last week I was crying and saying, “why aren’t you nursing? Aren’t you hungry?” Feeding is very hard sometimes. It suck when your success is dependent on two little babies. I love your uses of the word ‘hard.’ I think it’s the best word to describe having twins. I use it all the time, yet people still don’t understand.
Laughed at the bit about leaving the house. I went to park to meet up with friends, and almost had a nervous breakdown. I would say we should get together and comparing notes, but that would require one of us to leave the house, lol. Hang on there, you’re not alone.
This is exactly how I felt with Amy. Everyone else seemed so much better at feeding, I used to dread it. She was either sick (in a comedy, cartoon style!)or screamed. It did get easier though! Initially we thought she had refleux. She had colief in her bottles to help break down the lactose for a while and then Gaviscon sachets to help her tummy. By the time she was 2 we moved her to soya milk, cut out dairy products and watched her transform into a far healthier, easier wee girl with much improved eczema. Everyone feels hopeless and out their depth as a new mum and you have that doubled…..nobody ever admits they are struggling though! I think you are doing a great job, keep smiling!!
Oh Alden, this entry really tugged at my heart. First of all, you are doing such a great job and your littles are incredibly lucky to have you as their mum. I only had the one baby to care for, so I don’t even know what I’m doing here offering you advice. But here goes. 🙂 As far as worrying if they’re getting enough to eat…most likely, they are. One thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom is that as soon as your baby falls into a predictable rhythm, it changes and you have to adapt to their new normal. This applies to their sleep, their behavior, their appetites, everything! It’s hard and I still find myself struggling with it, but I have to remind myself that my baby is smart and she intuitively knows just what she needs, and in what amount. It’s hard to trust a tiny ball of cuteness who is entirely dependent upon you, but sometimes we just have to. Sometimes if they won’t eat, you just have to trust they’re okay, and that they’ll probably eat more tomorrow. Dinah used to nurse and nurse and nurse, just to throw it all back up (or what seemed like all of it). I spent so much time worrying she wasn’t getting enough to eat, but here we are 15 months later and she’s happy and healthy, so apparently, she was getting just what she needed. Babies appetites are forever changing and fluctuating, so the number of ounces they’ll take at any given setting is neither here nor there. Oh, and also, do you have a sling to carry your daughter in while you feed her? That would help you hold and walk her around and help her finish up a bottle, but it would be less tiring on your body.
And sleep. What’s that? Ha! Just kidding. I want to tell you it gets better and someday soon you’ll get more sleep (and maybe you will…), but honestly, it doesn’t get better exactly, you just start adapting and not needing as much sleep as you once did. Dinah is still a “terrible” sleeper. I’m lucky if she’ll sleep three hours straight at night and she’ll only nap here and there for maybe 15-20 minutes is all. And here I am still doing fine on little or no sleep. Moms are incredibly good at running on low fuel. 🙂
I’ll wrap this long comment up by saying that despite the long and challenging days when she was tiny, I miss my Dinah as a newborn. I miss her as a three-month old, as a six-month old, as a nine-month old, as a one-year-old, etc. Getting through the daily grind can be a challenge, but I promise, you’ll look back on this time period with such fondness. My heart always goes, “awwwww….” when I look at photos of my Dinah from last year, even though the real-life frustrations of being a new mom are still quite fresh in my mind. LOL, just enjoy those little babies as much as you can and breath in their sweet newness, because whether good or bad, this time in all of your lives is fleeting.
PS: I love reading your blog! So glad you started one.
Alden-
Im a Brush Ranch alum andI love reading your blog. Im especially interested in the camp posts but when I saw the picture of that breast pump I was immediately transported back in time and I just had to tell you one thing. (just forget about it if its none of my business) Keep THAT pump as long as you’re pumping. I rented one just like that for a few months but then turned it in and bought a Medela one that came in a black bag. (i don’t remember the name, sorry. Its been 11 years) It wasn’t nearly as good. The one like you have was SO much better, altho not exactly portable. Keep up the good work! Feeding one baby was so hard. You are a champion for doing what you’re doing. Twins!!!!!! WOW! I hope you have other mommies around you to pat you on the back. You are awesome!
Thanks for reading Sarah! I actually had to give that pump back yesterday but…they gave me another one that actually works better! I was so excited to get 19 oz. in 28 minutes last night! Oh the joys of motherhood!