Necessary Torture: Sleep Training Twins

Just about every time we take the twins anywhere the three questions we get are:

1. Twins?
2. How old are they?
3. Are you sleeping/how are they sleeping?

I had no idea so many people would care if we were sleeping or if our babies were sleeping. Some days I’d like to think that we look pretty well rested and that they’re asking because they’re surprised by how good we look. In reality, I’m guessing they see the huge suitcases under our eyes, feel a little sorry for us, and want the real story.

Our babies really do sleep pretty well, a quality I’d like to attribute to their time in the very busy, very loud NICU, where they spent the first 78 days of their lives. But, they don’t always sleep well, and they don’t always sleep, so we’re trying some sleep training.

I read this book in the middle of the night while I was pregnant. It’s what I would read when I was having my midnight snack. What a stupid idea…reading in the middle of the night and being pregnant at the same time = zero retention. Also, I thought our kids would sleep like little angels for their entire lives without any cajoling. Wrong.

So when we realized that Patrick really was about to start residency and that our 6 months home together was rapidly coming to an end, we decided we needed to:

1. Move the kids out of our room and into their own rooms
2. Stop swaddling them (because they were so close to turning over from back to front)
3. Institute a real nap schedule

The challenges:

1. Moving the kids out of our room meant that when one would make a little squeak, we could no longer just sit up and take a look at them (yes, we’ve slept with a lamp on in our room for the last 4 months), and we now actually have to go into their room to make sure they’re ok. I realize that there is such a thing as a video monitor, but we don’t have one. Unfortunately, I didn’t re-read much of the sleep training book before we started this process and there are a few paragraphs about uninterrupted sleep and how important it is for babies. It also says that sometimes babies squeak in their sleep and to give them some time to settle themselves because often, just going in their room, is enough to actually wake them up.

I’ve now re-read the section that really needed re-reading, and we give them three minutes of squeak time, then one of us checks in on them, settles them down and walks away…then if they start up again, we add three minutes (so 6 minutes) and we continue on this way adding 3 minutes each time. The idea is that you put them down for bed or naps drowsy but awake so they learn to soothe themselves and fall asleep on their own. This method is called “graduated extinction,” which I think might be the worst name ever. Oh, wait, no, “extinction,” AKA “crying it out” is the worst name ever. So, we’re working on the graduated extinction method at bedtime, nap time, and in the middle of the night.

We seem to have missed the boat on this one as far as “drowsy but awake” goes…oops.

One thing that I think has made a huge difference in our success with this is that we started a bedtime routine quite a long time ago, so bedtime isn’t really a fight. We feed them, prop them up on our bed, and read to them. We had been reading until they fell asleep but now we’re reading 3 books and then putting them in bed, whether they are awake or asleep and practicing “graduated extinction.”

2. Since our kids were in the NICU, they have been swaddled at bedtime and nap time and respond very well to being wrapped up tightly. We use various swaddle sacks which are like little velcro straight jackets. For the past few weeks, the babies have been waking themselves up trying to get out of them, and in the process coming very, very close to turning over and ending up on their faces with arms wrapped up too tight to help them turn back over. This is terrifying.

Babies wearing straight jackets swaddle sacks

Success without the swaddle!

We’ve gone cold turkey with the swaddle. Now when we put them down, they have arms out (we still wrap them waist down for warmth but it’s not restrictive at all). Often, when we put them down they flail a bit, as they still have that newborn startle reflex, you know the one, where their arms fly all over the place when you move them? Sometimes that wakes them up, but this transition has been largely successful. So…not sure what the “challenge” part of this one is…

3. Consistent nap times are very difficult for some reason. I think I see patterns in their sleep and then, wham, I try to put them down for naps at the same time the following day and it’s all over. Pure torture. The other day I tried to put them both down at the same time they’d slept for almost 3 hours the day before. I did “graduated extinction” until I got to 25 minutes (I was doing 5 minute increments). Neala finally fell asleep after I’d done 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and 15 minutes (she fell asleep in the 20 minute block of time). And poor little Rylan got himself so worked up I went to the 25 minute block and had to hold him for about 20 more minutes until he could relax enough to take a deep breath and fall asleep. It was an epic failure and I’m secretly glad that we’ve had things going on every day since then during that time and I haven’t been forced to try again. But there’s always tomorrow.

This is what a hysterical baby looks like. He started out with his head the other direction.

Overall, I will say it’s going pretty well. Last night they slept for 9 hours between feedings and then another 3 after we fed them. It was fantastic…We’ll see how tonight goes. We are making progress and I know it’s for the best. Our kids need the sleep and so do we! I will say that letting them cry until they’re hysterical was pretty horrific and made me feel like the worst mother on the planet. Some things work for some people and other things work for others. The most important thing for me is to remember that the babies aren’t out to get me, and that I need to be flexible with our routines because they are ever changing!

This is what happens when we leave the room. Wrestling babies!!
This was not actually during nap time, they were just playing but I couldn’t resist. I’m sure there will be many more similar moments in our lives in the near future.